Alone Again Naturally

After the ambush by Gervais last night I could not sit there waiting for Simon to explain so I ran out of the restaurant and took a taxi home to Mother. She was surprised to see me again so soon and was in her drawing room sipping her usual gin. Unwilling to revisit the scene that destroyed my life I told her I was tired and went straight to bed, it was a lie but not as bad as the ones I had been telling lately.

I was not tired, I was numb with shock and disbelief, Simon had said nothing when kissed by the stranger and I expected him to get up and deck the guy but instead he sat there motionless as stone and watched them walk off chuckling. I knew Gervais had set the entire thing up and had waited for the perfect moment to demolish us for his evil knew no bounds. I rummaged through Mother’s medicine cabinet and found whatever it is that makes her sleep and took several tablets. I was not about to lay awake all night obsessing over what just happened, it was enough for me to know my world had ended and I needed the calm of day to deal with the agony of it.

I awoke with a blinding headache to find Simon sitting on the end of my bed, his face wrapped in grief, he motioned to the door and said that Mother had let him in. I have never seen another human being look so miserable but I was all out of sympathy for if my boyfriend was gay I think he should at least have the courtesy to tell me instead of using me to leading a false double life. I wanted to act all calm and talk things out rationally but that went out the door the minute I opened my mouth. Instead I hissed at him why was he going out with me if he was sleeping with men. Simon shifted about miserably saying it was a long story but I was not going to be deflected and I told him I had time. He walked over the window with a view to the garden and stood looking out for he could not meet my eyes as he spoke of his life before me.

He said that everything had started a long ago before his mother had died when Peter was still actively building the business and was working long hours making contacts in the world of his future clients. In this time he noticed that all the successful men had traded up to younger, more glamorous symbols of their success. So when Peter became the biggest, and then the only luxury car dealer in town, he dumped Simon’s mother in a spectacular divorce that left her emotionally devastated with a young son to support. Peter said he spent the next ten years watching his mother beg his father to come see him so he could have a father, beg him to pay the bills, beg him for help raising their child.

Instead his father put his time into his spoiled second wife who begrudged every second he spent with his son, begrudged every penny spent on his first family and she made sure everyone knew of her displeasure. His father’s second marriage didn’t last and this wife being far bitchier made their divorce public and nasty, even trying to drag young Simon into it. A chastened Peter came back to Simon’s mother hat in hand and tried to build a relationship back with his son and they had just settled down into being a family again when he managed to get himself into the clutches of Lynx Garcelle.

Discovering her husband’s stupidity his mother confronted Peter and Lynx, which of course meant coming off a poor second where Lynx is concerned. She left the meeting emotionally distraught, speeding off into the rainy night and lost control of her car under a semi trailer. There was speculation that she had committed suicide but nothing was certain and the entire incident soon left everyone’s memory but Simon’s. He hated his father, blamed him for his mother’s death and acted out in every way possible. He missed school, got caught drinking, got caught brawling and generally caused havoc until his father sent him away to boarding school and later to university.

The Simon who came back had been under the tutelage of one Gervais Dubois and he had learned how to exploit and manipulate people through their fear and loathing. When he discovered his father scorned gay men Simon deciding to punish his father and had while at university had several open gay relationships. One was with the guy Alex, who had kissed him, the other was with Gervais Dubois. These relationships had not been love affairs but a descent into experimental sex which caused him and his father to become estranged and it was not until he had graduated and traveled the world that he understood he was doing all of this to spite his father and not because he wanted to be with men. Simon discovered he hated himself more than he hated his father for he felt he had failed his mother in some way, failed to help her keep her marriage together.

When he came back to Bishop Vale he and Peter were not on speaking terms and uninterested in dealing with the business world he jumped at the chance when Caspar had offered him a low key job. At first he thought it was a gesture of friendship from their university days but then later on he realised it was just a way for Gervais to keep tabs on him as Gervais had never forgiven him for leaving their relationship, Gervais left people, they did not leave him. I shuddered when he told me he had been with Gervais and the picture in my mind was so awful I yanked at my hair as if to pull it out of my head.

Simon continued that I was his first real loving relationship and not only had it healed him but his relationship with his father as well. It was a fresh chance for everyone to start a new life and I pointed out to Simon that he was completely stupid to think that Gervais would first allow him to go and second allow me to go with him of all people. He would have never forgiven either of us and set up to destroy us both, what had Simon been thinking to consider taking on Gervais? Simon said it had been years and he thought Gervais was over it all and I said Gervais is never over anything, he just waits like a croc with his nose above the water, waiting for his victim to get close enough.

I told Simon I had every right to know if he had been sleeping with men and more importantly if that man was Gervais Dubois considering our history. Simon paced the floor apologising and it was strange seeing this mountain of a man in tears begging me not to leave him but in my heart there was no going back. The thought of him and Gervais together was more than I could bear and Simon saw it in my face. When he left I felt a terrible pang and for a second I wanted to run after him and call him back but I knew every time I saw Gervais I would cringe and Simon would suffer.

I lay on my bed too numb to move hoping that Simon would explain to Peter that I would not be coming back, another job gone, another relationship gone, my record was getting worse. My phone rang and I answered it without thinking, only to recoil at the oily sound of Gervais as usual his message was straight to the point, he expected my relationship with Simon to be over by now. I tried a moment of bravado and asked “Or what?” Gervais giggled obscenely adding that he could if I liked send pictures of how Simon liked to be treated in bed, including some of the things he had personally put in his mouth. I hung up the phone and threw up for the next two hours.

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