A time to love, A time to die

Today Mother’s body was released when her Doctor signed the death certificate it was hard to look at this and know that she had been ill for a long time with a bad heart and never said a word to me. Chantal told me that Mother had not wanted to worry me and was hoping I would be able to cope without her, that is why she was so determined for me to work and learn about the world.

Braith and Jazz did not return today and I was left to cope alone with Chantal who was on the phone continuously and Maritka surprisingly was not glaring at her with suspicion. Usually Maritka was under the impression everyone wanted to steal the silverware if they had a chance but I think the two women had reached an understanding years ago. Chantal arranged for Mother to be sent to the least offensive funeral parlor and told me she would come get me later to make the arrangements but first she had to sort some things at the restaurant. She seemed reluctant to leave me alone as if I was going to start screaming or breaking things but I was still too numb to take in much of what was going on. I didn’t want Chantal to make all the decisions but I knew she loved Mother enough to take care of her properly so I let her take over much of the funeral arrangements.

I went sat on the terrace staring at the garden while Maritka kept wandering in to offer me food or drink, convinced I was about to starve to death. The phone rang a lot but I left her to answer it shaking my head no at each query if I was speaking to anyone. I was still trying to take in the reality of what had just happened to me, one minute I had a relationship and a family the next I was completely alone in the world, I lived in a world descending from one madness into another.

I was watching the flowers gently bend in the breeze when I heard Maritka answer the door and I stiffened as her voice become harsh. A man’s voice softly rumbled under hers and I strained to hear who it was and my curiosity was to be assuaged seconds later when Gervais Dubois came strolling through the drawing room ,out to the terrace as if he belonged here. I stayed in my chair unable to even glare at him as I was far too exhausted to worry about whatever creepy malevolence he had planned for me and I waited for him to reveal whatever it was.

Gervais offered condolences and asked me if everything was being taken care of. When I told him Chantal had it all under control he nodded and did not make a single snide remark. I waited for the knife in the back but he said nothing vile and instead he sat down opposite me. He was always so relaxed as if he owned wherever he decided to sit and I watched in alarm as he made to take my hand. I pulled away terrified for if he was about to make advances I would call Maritka to come toss him out on his sorry arse. If he was annoyed at my reaction his face revealed nothing but then it never does and he leaned back in his chair making small talk. I wanted him to leave, I wanted to ask him what do you want but I didn’t want to get into a conversation about what he wanted as I knew what it was and was not up to starting that fight today. So I stayed quiet and waited for him to leave but Gervais didn’t leave and worse still he told Maritka I looked pale and to please bring some tea. Since she agreed with him she did not argue and ignored the glare I sent her way.

Gervais kept up a barrage of small talk and I felt myself starting to panic for now Mother was not here to be the barrier between us and I missed her protection as misguided as it sometimes was. I was now stuck in a world alone, at the mercy of Gervais and fear crept up the back of my throat clutching at my heart for maybe Chantal was right, maybe I was about to start screaming. The doorbell rang and I leapt up to answer it before Maritka could come out of the kitchen as I didn’t care who was there I was going to insist they come in and stay so I didn’t have to be alone with Gervais.

I flung open the door in desperation only to come face to face with Jojo, of all the people to be here at this time he was last on my list. I grabbed his arm and whispered “Save me,” without question he took my arm and once inside he took one look at Gervais on the terrace his face becoming grim. He led me into the drawing room and said that he had been sent by Chantal to take me to the funeral home. Gervais hearing this came in from the terrace and Jojo nodded to him tersely, no love lost between them. I could see the corners of his mouth tighten and that was as close as Gervais came to a scowl. His eyes narrowed as he nodded back towards Jojo and he took my hand saying that I could call upon him for anything, then sauntered out in his usual oily manner.

The second he left Jojo turned to me in a fury demanding to know why Gervais was here and I gave him a filthy look while telling him that he was in no position to question me. Jojo scowled and said that if I ask the likes of Gervais to visit then I should not expect him to rescue me. I told him icily that I had not invited Gervais over, that I would rather eat dead beetles than have him near me and if he didn’t mind I would like to bury my mother right now. He had the grace to look ashamed and tried to speak but seemed at a loss for words instead he picked up my hand and gently kissed my fingertips. I pulled my hand away angrily, where was this tenderness weeks ago when I needed it so I went to push past him but Jojo pulled me to him and once again we were kissing with a fierce passion that no one else had ever inspired in me. My head spinning, my universe collapsed I sank in to his arms allowing desire to envelope me, I wanted to feel alive again, to feel part of the world and we kissed until I finally stepped back saying this was not the time. He nodded in agreement as I got my purse and we left for the funeral home. I did not speak to him on the drive there, while there and managed to get Chantal to take me back home alone. If there was a season for all things, this definitely was not the season for rekindling love.

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