Goodbye

I don’t remember today, not much of it, everything was a blur, all conversations were meaningless drone, food was pushed onto me, drink was put in my hand, people hugged me, people cried, I knew I was there and Mother was gone but that was about all I remembered. Jojo wanted to spend the last night but I sent him home although I know he just wanted to comfort me I did not want to start our relationship on the eve of Mother’s funeral so I told him I needed some time alone and he reluctantly left me with Maritka.

Simon had called me to ask if he could attend the funeral and I remembered how much Mother had liked him so I told him that would be nice. He started to say something else but I didn’t let him finish. I told him goodbye for it really was goodbye, he and I no longer had any chance of a life not just because of his past but because of my future with Jojo and it seemed no matter what choices I made someone was always getting their heart broken.

Jazz called and asked if I wanted her to spend the night but I told her I was fine with Maritka. As soon as I put down the phone it rang again and Coco in her round about way asked if she should come over. I thanked her and said I was ok and hung up the phone waiting for the next call which was Tiah half an hour later wanting to know if she should come over and again I refused. It was both annoying and nice that everyone was offering to help me out and usual people got it wrong always wanting to help when you are numb and never there when you are dying of pain.

Chantal had organised the entire funeral, from catering to eulogies and at first I was worried she was going to try to do everything her own way and we were going to have a battle over everything. Instead she explained all my options and I chose what I thought Mother would have liked, the one thing I let Chantal choose was her dress as she told me that Mother had a favorite one which was something I didn’t really know. Chantal surprised me at this moment with her practical nature she made good choices and kept her overbearing nature at bay allowing me to feel that I had input into the funeral when I know she made most of the arrangements and I was just a pale specter hovering in the background.

Maritka organised the staff from Sedero’s who were all sympathetic and low key as they laid out everything for the wake. Jojo had taken me to the church and I left everything to Maritka and Chantal to sort out. I don’t remember much of the service, I saw a sea of faces in the church, all these old boods in their somber designer dresses with families in tow. It was filled with people I barely knew, some from her usual group of cronies, some the usual vulgar onlookers and to my relief none of the Dubois family. I heard the service from a great distance with everything reduced to a hum of tones, nothing made sense. Music played, people came, people left,. I remember her coffin being taken out with Braith Vanderhaven as a pallbearer, driven to another place to be cremated and some earnest little man rambling on about urns. Jojo took my elbow and never let go of me during the entire day and I don’t know what I said, if I said anything to anyone back at the house. They all talked about their daily lives until I was in earshot and then told me how wonderful Mother was and how much they will miss her the second I was beside them.

Despite Chantal’s staff having everything under control Maritka followed them about scowling as if they were pocketing ornaments along the way and I stayed downstairs until the mass of people had slowed to a trickle. Jojo seeing an opening took me upstairs and insisted I lie down before I fall down so I lay on my bed holding his hand thinking I will never rest, instead waking hours later in a darkened house. I went downstairs to find everything spotless and Jojo sitting in the drawing room reading, he jumped up guiltily as if I was going to toss him out. I watched him fuss, trying to feed me or get me tea and he was so sweet and tender in his concern but I was still to numb to appreciate everything that everyone was doing. I only knew I wanted him to stay and asked if he would causing him to break out in a relieved smile. He took me in his arms and we sat there until the entire world was silent then I brought him back upstairs with me where we lay on my bed and I fell asleep in his arms feeling guilty that the worst day in my life held the seeds of my happiness.

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