Legacy of Gervais

I spent the day in bed my blankets tucked up to my chin after I had Maritka unplug all the phones as I was not interested in speaking to anyone and spent most of the day fobbing off her attempts to feed me. By late afternoon Maritka stormed in holding a tray threatening to call a doctor if I did not eat and rather than endure anymore more humiliation as I could not face anyone I ate a sandwich while wondering what to do. The answer came as a small whisper in the back of my mind. I knew exactly what to do. I was going to bring down Gervais and this was going to be my mission because until I did I was never going to be allowed to have a life

Jojo crept into my mind which must have been numb for I felt nothing and I waited for the storm of emotions from the humiliation of his running off, the angst of no longer being loved, the rejection of being less important than his goals. My mind could not get around the reality of what had happened as I could not believe this was true, of course I could believe that Gervais had orchestrated the show and Lynx, he was so filthy rich he could lose millions and not feel a thing, but for Jojo to abandon me so promptly was incredible to me. After everything we went through to be together it was such a slap in the face and I could feel my faith in the world slipping away as I considered that perhaps in reality I had no friends and everyone was just around until something better came along.

It was strange sitting in alone my bedroom with no Mother to reach out to me and I remember thinking how white and blank the walls looked—blank like my life. Since leaving school I had drifted from one job to another, from one relationship to another and now Mother had died I clung to the first straw that came my way which unfortunately was Jojo. I had thought all sorts of things of Jojo but not once had I considered his reality, that in fact he was his father’s son and he did not mind who he was with as long as his goals were satisfied. I heard a car pull up in the drive but didn’t have the energy to see who was there and I heard the murmur of voices in the foyer as Maritka sent them away. She would tell me later and at that moment I didn’t care. for I was still waiting for the torrent of emotions to flood me, anger, hate, despair, anything to remove myself from this suspension of disbelief.

When the night came I wandered downstairs, walking about the house with the lights off and I heard Maritka in the kitchen banging pots around, the noise being a contrast to the silent grief that filled every corner. For a second I wondered what she thought of all of this and if she would be horrified to know I wanted to see the end of Gervais. The last I had heard of Lynx was that she was keeping Simon busy and I would not have been so alarmed for him had I known that removing her interest from him would take it back to Jojo. I would have blamed Lynx if I could but she was what she was, and it was Jojo who did not have the strength to live life on his own terms. He wanted it quick and easy and thanks to the perverse obsession of Gervais Dubois he was going to get it.

I sat on the terrace in the dark wondering if this was how life was, you moved from disappointment to despair and then desolation. I had not been successful in anything and maybe there was a point that I kept missing. The noises of the night filled my ears but unconsciously I strained to hear the sound of him returning for it was as if I could not accept Jojo was gone, and not just gone from us drifting apart or not being compatible but gone in the sense that I had been left in the gutter with the rest of the rubbish. I knew this should hurt me beyond belief, that I should be howling in grief but instead I watched the stars appear in the sky, sitting there quietly, a part of the night.

A few hours later Maritka ushered me back inside saying it was freezing and I would catch a death of cold. She must have put the phones back on because as I stepped back into the drawing room it rang and I thought it strange someone would ring me so late shuddering that it might be Gervais coming back for another round. Maritka answered it, I think out of habit more than anything, and waved the phone at me. I stared at it and she whispered that he had been here earlier so I took the receiver from her. It was Simon, for only he would have persevered all night until getting through to me and I knew that I was hearing his voice but his words had little impact upon my consciousness. He said he was very sorry, he asked if I was okay, he said he was here for me if I wanted to talk, numb to everything I thanked him, said goodnight and then wandered upstairs. I knew Simon would have given to world to have been allowed to comfort me but this was not the time and as long as the specter of Gervais haunted us I doubted we ever would have a time again.

I sat on my bed amazed how Simon was the opposite of Jojo, always there, always knowing what to do, always helpful and he was like the mountain I often compared him to, big, strong, eternal. Gervais had managed to take both men from me in such a short time, denying me happiness and I wanted to howl to heavens but instead I thought about how to remove Gervais Dubois from my life and this town. I went to brush my teeth and saw Jojo’s toothbrush hanging there as I must have missed it when I bundled up his things. It sat in the holder looking forlorn and forgotten, abandoned the way he abandoned everything in his life. It was then I realised there was no more Jojo, not ever and the tears came as I lay on the floor and cried until dawn.

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